When I Didn't Value Myself.

With Valentines Day still on our heels I wanted to open up and share a little more deeply into my life and tell you about a time when I did not love or value myself.

As a child I was shy, painfully shy. I remember sitting in class thinking "please don't call on me, please don't call on me" as I sank lower into my seat. If my name was called my entire face felt like it was on fire and I would stammer out the few lines of text I was supposed to read as quickly as I could. I was actually a skilled reader, reading much higher grade levels than most of my class but I was incredibly self conscious. I even remember crying once at the grocery store when my mother chatted with the check out clerk asking him if he had graduated and I happily chirped that I had just graduated too...kindergarten. My mom and the check out clerk laughed and I was MORTIFIED. When we left the store I was in tears.

As a middle school-er I was still painfully shy but had a good group of close friends that I could finally be myself around. Like any middle school aged girl I was boy crazy and started really caring about how I looked. I found myself again totally mortified when I overhead my parents discussing how I was a "late bloomer" because my cycles hadn't started yet. I would look at my adolescent body and hate it to my core, mad that my chest wasn't growing like my friends.

Then something strange happened, a boy noticed me. I craved his attention. Quickly the relationship developed and we dated for a couple years. What I didn't notice is how I slowly hated myself more and more. I didn't know that 'love' wasn't supposed to feel this way, that anguishing over myself in the mirror to make sure he wouldn't be mad about my outfit wasn't normal. I was nominated homecoming princess that year but I don't think most people had any idea what I was going though daily. My life under a microscope of 'love'.

Teenage years are strange. I look back at that time now at 24 years old and shake my head at my angst filled Facebook posts that pop up on my 'on this day' feed. Hormones making your head spin, stresses of SAT's, college, and looming adulthood, I think we all look back and think we were a little crazy in those years. But I look back and feel physically ill that I allowed someone to make me feel so small. That I didn't value and truly love and accept myself enough to walk away sooner.

I love to read and write. I have always been studious and can come off as a know-it-all sometimes. I love dancing to rap and house music. I have long 'monkey toes' and a gap between my front teeth that two rounds of braces couldn't bring together. I own my own salon and employ two amazing stylists. I designed my own website, have learned though numerous classes how to master my camera, social media accounts, and this very blog. I am capable, more capable than my 15 year old self would ever imagine. I have grown to be confident and strong.

Today I brought a photographer into my salon to take photos of myself and my team. I instantly volunteered to go first. I posed and danced and strutted around owning my self confidence. My younger self would have been ashamed to have her photo taken.

Letting a boy cripple my self worth was one of the lowest points in my life. I still battle the negative self thoughts that were planted in my mind during that time. I work every day to stand tall, appreciate my body and filter out the devil on my shoulder.

I am not perfect but I love myself a little more every day.